You are viewing an archive of the old fxhome.com forums. The community has since moved to hitfilm.com.

try and make me laugh

Posted: Fri, 2nd Dec 2005, 11:44pm

Post 1 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

alright, i'm starting a new post. put here any funny jokes, riddles, pictures, and illusions. your goal is to try to make me laugh. (it won't be easy twisted )
who's up to the challenge?
Posted: Fri, 2nd Dec 2005, 11:46pm

Post 2 of 67

Joshua Davies

Force: 25400 | Joined: 21st Mar 2001 | Posts: 3029

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 5 Pro User MuzzlePlug User PowerPlug User PhotoKey 3 Plug-in User FXpreset Maker Windows User MacOS User

FXhome Team Member

*A horse walks in to a bar*
Barman asks "Why the long face?"

Question : What is grey and can't climb trees?
Answer : A car park.

The old ones are the best.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:05am

Post 3 of 67

TimmyD

Force: 2646 | Joined: 18th Feb 2004 | Posts: 2507

EffectsLab Lite User FXpreset Maker Windows User MacOS User

Gold Member

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks past the bartender, who exclaims "Whoa, whats with the steering wheel?" The pirate looks up and says, "Arghh, it'll be driving me nuts!"
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:08am

Post 4 of 67

Steeb

Force: 1650 | Joined: 14th Nov 2004 | Posts: 217

VisionLab User Windows User

Gold Member

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The Dr. takes one look at the man and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:11am

Post 5 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

ha ha ha mrgreen neutral nope. try again. (hint: super funny pictures always get me. also jokes that only some smart people know get me too)
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:19am

Post 6 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

observe.



www.dribbleglass.com
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:24am

Post 7 of 67

Waser

Force: 4731 | Joined: 7th Sep 2003 | Posts: 3111

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 2 Pro User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User

SuperUser

This family walks into a talen agency, and since the agency is dying for a new act, they decide to give the family a chance. The family is a dad, mom, son, daughter, and baby. The dad starts to tap his toes and snap his fingers, all the while the rest of the family begins to walk around the dad waving their hands in the air, going "OOOOOOOOOHH. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOH." After about 5 minutes of this, the dad snaps both his fingers at once, and the family stopped in their tracks, pulled out baseball bats, and proceeded to beat their father to death, all the while he laughs until his last breath. The mother turns to the talent agency, and drop kicks her baby towards them.

After wiping some blood off his glasses with his tie, the head of the agency looks to the mother and asks "Well, that's a hell of an act, what do you call it?"

The mother straightens her dress, takes a deep breath, and waves her arms in the air. "We call it.....THE ARISTOCRATS!"

lol
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:29am

Post 8 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

meh.






































i swear i didn't really laugh. sorry
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:31am

Post 9 of 67

CX3

Force: 3137 | Joined: 1st Apr 2003 | Posts: 2527

EffectsLab Lite User VideoWrap User MacOS User FXhome Movie Maker

Gold Member

So a priest, a rapist and a pedafile walk into a bar... and thats just the first guy...
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:43am

Post 10 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

i think i get it. the pedafile is the other 2 guys right.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:46am

Post 11 of 67

CX3

Force: 3137 | Joined: 1st Apr 2003 | Posts: 2527

EffectsLab Lite User VideoWrap User MacOS User FXhome Movie Maker

Gold Member

......nah...

didnt u say you catch on to smart people jokes? hah

The priest is the pedafile and the rapist... Theres only one guy...
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:48am

Post 12 of 67

Waser

Force: 4731 | Joined: 7th Sep 2003 | Posts: 3111

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 2 Pro User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User

SuperUser

if you got an aristocrats joke, you would be laughing. It's one of the smartest jokes I know.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 12:59am

Post 13 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

alright alright. i might have chuckled. now who can find some funny !@# pics for me. they don't need to be a smart joke.























stop reading and go dam it!
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:25am

Post 14 of 67

Bryce007

Force: 1910 | Joined: 5th Apr 2003 | Posts: 2609

VideoWrap User Windows User

Gold Member

Apparently No one can please the master with they're rapier wit.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:31am

Post 15 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

How come we come we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:37am

Post 16 of 67

Chris Grant

Force: 210 | Joined: 15th Feb 2005 | Posts: 62

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User

Gold Member

How do you make a Sausage Roll?

Push it down a hill!
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:40am

Post 17 of 67

Lithium Kraft

Force: 2728 | Joined: 10th Jun 2005 | Posts: 538

VisionLab User FXpreset Maker Windows User

Gold Member

Sometimes I park in handicapped places, and handicapped people give handicapped faces.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:43am

Post 18 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

alright fine ill tell a joke or better yet find one.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:47am

Post 19 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.

Category: Misc: Other
Rating: PG
By: RoCkEr BaBe
sorry it took so much space. thanx to www.funny.com
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:47am

Post 20 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.

Category: Misc: Other
Rating: PG
By: RoCkEr BaBe
sorry it took so much space. thanx to www.funny.com
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 1:53am

Post 21 of 67

Bryce007

Force: 1910 | Joined: 5th Apr 2003 | Posts: 2609

VideoWrap User Windows User

Gold Member

Double Post. Nice. I'm guessing those were "fun things to do at walmart" or something?
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 2:01am

Post 22 of 67

rogolo

Force: 5436 | Joined: 29th May 2005 | Posts: 1513

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 4 User MacOS User

Gold Member

I thought that some of the jokes earlier on the thread were funny, but things to do at Wal*Mart wasn't very funny...and you don't have to be educated to understand it...
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 2:05am

Post 23 of 67

er-no

Force: 9531 | Joined: 24th Sep 2002 | Posts: 3964

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 2 Pro User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User MacOS User

SuperUser

Rating: +3

Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 2:06am

Post 24 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

sorry.

person 1: i had a wet dream about you last night.

person 2: what?

person 3: yeah, i dreamt that you got run over by a semi trailer and i pissed my self laughing.

how about this one?
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 2:08am

Post 25 of 67

Xel

Force: 350 | Joined: 6th Feb 2003 | Posts: 152

EffectsLab Lite User MacOS User

Gold Member

What do you get when you cross a canary with a lawnmower?
Shredded Tweet.

...

A guy walks into a bar... Another guy walks into the bar after him. The third guy ducked.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 2:14am

Post 26 of 67

TimmyD

Force: 2646 | Joined: 18th Feb 2004 | Posts: 2507

EffectsLab Lite User FXpreset Maker Windows User MacOS User

Gold Member

Haha, i only laughed on #21 for the Wal Mart joke things.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:09am

Post 27 of 67

sfbmovieco

Force: 2354 | Joined: 19th Mar 2002 | Posts: 1552

VideoWrap User PhotoKey 2 User Windows User MacOS User

Gold Member

Celine Dion walks into a bar.
Bartender says, why the long face?

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He asks for a beer...And a mop.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:12am

Post 28 of 67

Lithium Kraft

Force: 2728 | Joined: 10th Jun 2005 | Posts: 538

VisionLab User FXpreset Maker Windows User

Gold Member

I only laughed at er-no's. biggrin

Here's one that a friend of mine actually did:

He walked into a chinese take-out fast-food restaurant at the mall and said,

"Yo! China Panda's been talking sh_t 'bout your sesame chicken!"
(manager:) "..what?"
"China Panda, has been talking major sh_t about your sesame chicken."
"...Get the f__k out of here."

He also took fake poop and spread it over the place and walked up to someone and said, "Excuse me, your dog took a poopie!" then he ran out to the hall where it was and pointed at every single piece and yelled "poopie! poopie!" then said "who took a poopie!? You did! You did!"

Great fun. He also took a cellphone at Best Buy and held it like a gun and said "bang!" and pretended to shoot people.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:21am

Post 29 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

Let's see. I liked Lithium Kraft's, Waser's, The walmart ones, er-no's, and several others. Here's a creepy pic for ya:
I'm telling you, They're putting alot more than potato in those french fries. wink

Last edited Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:43am; edited 1 times in total.

Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:40am

Post 30 of 67

Fill

Force: 1257 | Joined: 1st Jul 2005 | Posts: 1652

CompositeLab Lite User EffectsLab Lite User Windows User

Gold Member

Rating: +1

A man and his wife were looking for just the right car, the wife was quite picky. So the wife sarcasticly but truely says, "I want something small that can go from 0 to 200 in 10 seconds! Suprise me by getting it on my Brithday!"

So the man finally finds something to fit her needs. The wife excitedly giggling unwrapped the wrapping paper around the gift and to her suprise she saw a bathroom scale before her eyes.


I don't know if I've said that one already here...biggrin
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:46am

Post 31 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

swg33k wrote:

A man and his wife were looking for just the right car, the wife was quite picky. So the wife sarcasticly but truely says, "I want something small that can go from 0 to 200 in 10 seconds! Suprise me by getting it on my Brithday!"

So the man finally finds something to fit her needs. The wife excitedly giggling unwrapped the wrapping paper around the gift and to her suprise she saw a bathroom scale before her eyes.


I don't know if I've said that one already here...biggrin
Hah! That's a really good one. razz
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 4:11am

Post 32 of 67

aenigma

Force: 480 | Joined: 5th May 2004 | Posts: 416

EffectsLab Lite User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User

Gold Member

Two engineers are heading to class when one says, “Where’d you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replies, “Well yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, ‘Take what you want!’”

The first engineer nods in approval, “Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 4:13am

Post 33 of 67

nanafanboy

Force: 690 | Joined: 1st Sep 2002 | Posts: 345

VideoWrap User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User

Gold Member

Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual genitalia. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 4:21am

Post 34 of 67

er-no

Force: 9531 | Joined: 24th Sep 2002 | Posts: 3964

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 2 Pro User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User MacOS User

SuperUser

Rating: +1



That made me laugh loads back in the day biggrin
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 4:24am

Post 35 of 67

Mr Pencil

Force: 396 | Joined: 8th Jul 2004 | Posts: 367

Windows User

Member

Waser wrote:

This family walks into a talen agency, and since the agency is dying for a new act...We call it.....THE ARISTOCRATS!"
Wow. You really censored yourself there.

Though the original isn't for the squeemish. I remember crying for weeks about that.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 4:58am

Post 36 of 67

JT9

Force: 852 | Joined: 11th May 2005 | Posts: 521

EffectsLab Lite User FXpreset Maker Windows User

Gold Member

I got this one off a Jeff Foxworthy CD and it go's like this.


My buddie owns a german shepperd and his nabor owns a little wite rabit that they keep in a cage well one day my buddie saw his dog with this rabit in his mouth the rabit has dog spit on it it has mud on it it is dead insted of being a man and tell them what happend no he paniced he took the rabit away from the dog took it in the house washed it off with soap and water and dryed it with a hair dryer then later on that night he snuk in to the nabors yard and put it in the cage like it had a heart attack and locked the door a few days later he saw the ladie next door and she walked over and says well I guess you heard what happend he go's no what she said we had a death in our family he go's who died she says fluffy but the wierd thing is that after we barried him some one dug him back up and put him back in his cage.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 5:23am

Post 37 of 67

ben3308

Force: 5210 | Joined: 24th May 2004 | Posts: 6433

VideoWrap User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User

Gold Member

Okay, I've got alot but most are either racist, sexist, or anti-semitic. But here goes.....

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would too if someone screamed "EEEEBLUHGGGEERRJARBLARFLARGLE!!!" at you everyday. Ha, funny.

Or say this to someone "Spell 'IHOP' and say 'ness' ." That gets them every time. Or the sofa king one, but most people know that.

And since I'm Texan, there are alot of people who make jokes about the Mexican immigrants, and though I don't condone them, some are kinda funny.

Okay, so why doesn't Mexico compete in the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, swim, and climb is on this side of the border.

Ah, good times.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 3:12pm

Post 38 of 67

Dramb

Force: 1225 | Joined: 22nd Oct 2004 | Posts: 14

CompositeLab Pro User EffectsLab Pro User Windows User

Gold Member

Ok, here is one....kinda twisted.....just how I like em.


I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser,
hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city
wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 4:05pm

Post 39 of 67

Remco Gerritsen

Force: 578 | Joined: 4th Mar 2005 | Posts: 517

EffectsLab Lite User FXpreset Maker Windows User

Gold Member

Q : Do you know the joke about the two rabbits who went to Paris,

A : but they didn't go...

__________

I love those cheesy jokes...

__________

Q : It's green, and it sticks

A : Kermit the Sticker (that green frog from the muppet show) (and in holland he's called Kermit de Kikker, so that's the clue) wink razz

__________

Q : Do you know the joke about the mummy ?

(your answer): No...

(joker's answer): Me neither, he's too complicated. HAHAHAHA


yeah.... uhm...
__________

Mother to son: 'Pietje, did you learn the parrot all these filthy words ?

Son to mother: 'No I'm not, I learned him the words he isn't allowed to say...

__________

Jan to Karel: 'Do you know what a "net" is...

Karel to Jan: 'No'

Jan to Karel: 'Holes that are hold together with rope...

__________

Q : How can you see your nose without looking squinting (cross-eyed)

A : Look into the mirror....

__________

Q : What is faster, a rabbit or a hare...

A : A plane cuz a camel has two lumps (bumps)

__________

Jantje is crying at a river. A man asks 'Whats the matter'. Jantje: 'Mieke thrown my sandwich in the river...

Man:With wilful ?

Jantje: No... With cheeze

__________

A drunk bus driver gets busted by the police, the police man asks: 'What's yer name ?'

Drunk bus driver: Sjladovinski Vapoldioskieus.

Policeman: How do you spell that ?

Drunk bus driver: T-H-A-T


__________

Well, I hope you had fun... razz
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 6:12pm

Post 40 of 67

Bryce007

Force: 1910 | Joined: 5th Apr 2003 | Posts: 2609

VideoWrap User Windows User

Gold Member

I couldn't really understand those..Cultural/language barrier..?
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 9:36pm

Post 41 of 67

TimmyD

Force: 2646 | Joined: 18th Feb 2004 | Posts: 2507

EffectsLab Lite User FXpreset Maker Windows User MacOS User

Gold Member

yeah, those jokes were... incomprehensible.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 9:46pm

Post 42 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

If you want to laugh, and have read harry potter 6, click here: http://hankspotter.ytmnd.com/
The images may not load though. That's the main part that makes it so funny.
Posted: Sat, 3rd Dec 2005, 10:30pm

Post 43 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

nice work guys. i laughed. mission acomplished. biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 12:19am

Post 44 of 67

Aculag

Force: 8365 | Joined: 21st Jun 2002 | Posts: 8581

EffectsLab Lite User VideoWrap User FXhome Movie Maker MacOS User

Gold Member

Waser wrote:

if you got an aristocrats joke, you would be laughing. It's one of the smartest jokes I know.
I'm a little late to this, but this is absolutely true. It may seem like the lowest of the low in bad form and like an unfunny joke, but if you really GET it, it's priceless.
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 12:33am

Post 45 of 67

TimmyD

Force: 2646 | Joined: 18th Feb 2004 | Posts: 2507

EffectsLab Lite User FXpreset Maker Windows User MacOS User

Gold Member

I dont get the aristocrat jokes... someone wanna explain? biggrin
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 12:52am

Post 46 of 67

ssj john

Force: 563 | Joined: 4th Nov 2003 | Posts: 795

Windows User MacOS User

Member

Why did the kid eat his Homework? Because his teacher said it was a peice of cake.... HARHARHARHAR I'm funny.
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 2:50am

Post 47 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

ssj john wrote:

Why did the kid eat his Homework? Because his teacher said it was a peice of cake.... HARHARHARHAR I'm funny.
That one is actually pretty funny.
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 3:00am

Post 48 of 67

jfbiscardi

Force: 589 | Joined: 21st Nov 2001 | Posts: 238

VideoWrap User Windows User

Gold Member

Rating: +1

This got me... just watch...

[Mod: Warning, lots of swearing]

So, You Think Your Job Sucks...
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 4:36am

Post 49 of 67

Aculag

Force: 8365 | Joined: 21st Jun 2002 | Posts: 8581

EffectsLab Lite User VideoWrap User FXhome Movie Maker MacOS User

Gold Member

TimmyD wrote:

I dont get the aristocrat jokes... someone wanna explain? biggrin
Sorry, it's a very exclusive club. smile
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 4:41am

Post 50 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

so, should i lock this now?
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 4:52am

Post 51 of 67

Klausky

Force: 1512 | Joined: 16th Jun 2005 | Posts: 392

CompositeLab Pro User EffectsLab Lite User VideoWrap User Windows User MacOS User

Gold Member

jfbiscardi wrote:

This got me... just watch... (PG-13)

So, You Think Your Job Sucks...
Im afraid that qualifies as R
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 5:03am

Post 52 of 67

Frozenpede

Force: 630 | Joined: 28th Jan 2004 | Posts: 1113

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User

Gold Member

What kind of movies do pirates watch?

































THE ONES RATED PG-13!!!
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 5:47am

Post 53 of 67

Mr Pencil

Force: 396 | Joined: 8th Jul 2004 | Posts: 367

Windows User

Member

Aculag wrote:

Sorry, it's a very exclusive club. smile
Hahaha.

Only for us aristocrats.
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 5:54am

Post 54 of 67

er-no

Force: 9531 | Joined: 24th Sep 2002 | Posts: 3964

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 2 Pro User FXhome Movie Maker Windows User MacOS User

SuperUser

What do you call a pirate child molester?
AAARRR Kelly!


Missed international speak like a pirate day this year.
September 19th 2006. I've gotta try and remember.
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 8:21pm

Post 55 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

er-no wrote:

Missed international speak like a pirate day this year.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! We should make it a national fxhome holiday. Every year you make all your post's on Sep. 19th in pirate speak. Like........ "ARGGGH maties, the booty is now availible. Visionlab HD has been realeased. ARRRR!!" That'd be fun.
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 8:45pm

Post 56 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

biggrin
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 9:37pm

Post 57 of 67

Lithium Kraft

Force: 2728 | Joined: 10th Jun 2005 | Posts: 538

VisionLab User FXpreset Maker Windows User

Gold Member

Backwards day.

".!yad sdrawkcab si yadot syug yeH"

*twitches at the thought* biggrin
Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 9:51pm

Post 58 of 67

rogolo

Force: 5436 | Joined: 29th May 2005 | Posts: 1513

VisionLab User VideoWrap User PhotoKey 4 User MacOS User

Gold Member

?muihtiL he ,sgniht sdrawkcab ekil uoY

Posted: Sun, 4th Dec 2005, 9:57pm

Post 59 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

biggrin naem i cry lol
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 1:13am

Post 60 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

oh my jesus, that video made me laugh mrgreen





blink burst
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 1:23am

Post 61 of 67

jfbiscardi

Force: 589 | Joined: 21st Nov 2001 | Posts: 238

VideoWrap User Windows User

Gold Member

starfan wrote:

alright, i'm starting a new post. put here any funny jokes, riddles, pictures, and illusions. your goal is to try to make me laugh. (it won't be easy twisted )
who's up to the challenge?
so, what do i win?
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 1:24am

Post 62 of 67

jfbiscardi

Force: 589 | Joined: 21st Nov 2001 | Posts: 238

VideoWrap User Windows User

Gold Member

starfan wrote:

alright, i'm starting a new post. put here any funny jokes, riddles, pictures, and illusions. your goal is to try to make me laugh. (it won't be easy twisted )
who's up to the challenge?


and

starfan wrote:

oh my jesus, that video made me laugh mrgreen





blink burst
so, what do i win?
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 1:29am

Post 63 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

Rating: +1/-1

Double post. wink lol
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 4:23am

Post 64 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

what about raising your lightsaber thingie?




i never really thought of that think
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 8:40pm

Post 65 of 67

03ruby

Force: 900 | Joined: 17th Oct 2004 | Posts: 224

CompositeLab Pro User EffectsLab Lite User Windows User

Gold Member

I went to the zoo the other day
there was only one dog
turns out it was a shitzu

BOOM BOOM
Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2005, 9:01pm

Post 66 of 67

film freak

Force: 1353 | Joined: 18th Sep 2004 | Posts: 1109

Windows User MacOS User

Member

You know you're a geek when.......... (I made all of these up myself)



Your dishwasher has internet



You do your school research on your PSP



You haven't gotten fresh air since 1987



You love your computer more than your girlfriend




When she asks if you want to go out, you ask if she means you have to leave your computer




All your clothes have the firefox logo on them





You have each generation of ipod





The last movie you saw was downloaded off the internet




You beleive there is a "Cyber Santa Claus"





You only speak in klingon




Your walls are plastered with Peter Jackson's face




You go Kung-fu on your brother 'cause he gave you a -1.
Posted: Tue, 6th Dec 2005, 1:28am

Post 67 of 67

starfan

Force: 325 | Joined: 27th Mar 2005 | Posts: 353

EffectsLab Lite User Windows User FXpreset Maker

Gold Member

u'd know