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Posted: Thu, 14th Jun 2007, 11:11pm

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Rockfilmers

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Hi, it's rockfilmers with the beginning of my latest script. This Is going to be a Sci-Fi B-movie and I'm aiming to give it a retro type story line. This is my second script (My first is WAY to embarising redface ) and I need edvise if you think I should change it. The story is that along the Pacific North-West of the US, their is a small Island that is home to giant bugs! This the start of the story, but in the a little bit after this scene, a plane crashes on the Island and the surviros must try to stay alive for the coast guard to find them. A couple days ago, I posted this tread...http://fxhome.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=29805. Yes I will try to make this movie in anaglyph ( that is Red and blue specticals) 3-D! Thank you, and hope you enjoy...


INSECTICA






Rockfilmers



The camera circles a lighthouse on a large Island. A voice starts

Voice: “September 3, 1905. It has been five months at this lighthouse.”

Inside the lighthouse is a man righting in a journal on a couch.

Voice: “My relief was supposed to come a week ago, but it hasn’t still. But I will still light the lighthouse any way. In the five months I have been here, I have seen strange things. Bugs off in the distance that are bigger than a man. They only come when the lighthouse is on. I do wonder why God would let such things to live, but it would be a scary thing if man completely understood God. Sometimes I…”

There is a loud bang on the door. Then another. The man gets up and walks cautiously to the door. He reaches for the doorknob, then hesitates. He stands their with his hand an inch from the door.

Man: Softly “Hello?”

No answer

Man: Louder. “Hello?”

Still no answer. He puts his hand on the doorknob and opens quickly with his eyes closed. Nothing. He opens his eyes slowly and sighs of relief. Then The Glass shatters with a loud Bang and the screen goes to a far view of the lighthouse and there is a scream.
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 1:01am

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Evman

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Rating: +1

I'm confused.

First of all, the man mentions that his relief hasn't come yet, implying that someone was supposed to replace him. If this is the case, then why would survivors have any problem staying alive if the coast guard knows exactly where the island is. Why hasn't the man told everyone else that there are bugs on the island? And for that matter, what is the lighthouse lighting? There can't be any ships... or the people stranded there would have no problem being rescued.

And perhaps the biggest problem with this, his first journal entry states that its 1905. By this time the Wright Brothers had only flown their first plane 2 years ago. Commercial travel shouldn't be widespread for another 30-40 years, unless of course this is a flashback.

I also think your narration gets to the point too quickly. You get into the bug aspect by about 3 sentences in. The opening isn't ominous this way, and you'd do better by adding/revising some sentences up front or perhaps not mentioning the bugs at all so that the audience doesn't know right away whats attacking him.

How old are you? Do you have a crew and do you have special effects experience? If this is just your second script I'd think not. Of course I could be entirely wrong, but if you actually plan on going through with this, I must warn you that you might be aiming too high for an amateur filmmaker. confused
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 1:04am

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ben3308

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Hey man, you mind if I film this beginning? It sounds pretty awesome.
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 1:14am

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Rockfilmers

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Well, the Plane crash is over one hundred years later, The man is in the Light house in 1905. Sorry I wasn't clear about that.. I do have visual effects experiance and I'm 15. I get what you mean about the bug thing in 3 sentences. That's a good Idea though, about the not metioning the bugs though. But it wouldn't make scence why he was scared to open the door right away. Hmmm, I'l have to think of somthing.
No, I really want to film this myself, but thanks. And this will be a longer short ( kind of an oximoron confused ) of about 20 to 35 minutes long. Thanks for the tips.
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 3:11am

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ben3308

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Rockfilmers wrote:

No, I really want to film this myself, but thanks.
I meant more like, 'can I use this idea for a beginning in a non-enroaching way', not to like produce as part of your movie.

If not, that's cool, just thought it was worth asking again. wink
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 9:58am

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Simon K Jones

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Sounds like a fun project. B-movies with giant insects are always worth making!

However, one area you should really focus on is your dialogue. Currently your dialogue doesn't read entirely naturally.

I'd highly recommend actually reading your lines out loud, or even filming/recording yourself saying them. That way you can see what they sound like off the page.

The other thing worth noting is that this isn't formatted like a standard script. While it can be a bit of a pain in the arse to do so initially, it is well worth it. For one, it's how the professionals do it, so it'll give you good practise for later on in your career. Secondly, scripts are formatted a certain way for a reason - it makes dialogue and scene changes easy to identify, and enables you to estimate the general length of the movie.

For more info, check out this old tutorial:

http://fxhome.com/support/tutorials/view.php?i=21

Good luck with the film!
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 10:23am

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Sollthar

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"The camera circles a lighthouse on a large Island"

"An airplane crashes on an island"

"the film is set in 1905"




Not to sound discouraging, but I can't see how you'll be doin this with 15. Do you have access to a helicopter cam which will be necessary to let a camera circle around a lighthouse, assuming you have a location for that? Are you seriously experienced enough to make a planecrash and potentially doing creature effects, either practical or digital? And do you have access to period clothing and costuming? Yet actors old enough for their respective parts?
(And as Tarn mentioned, a couple of rewrites wouldn't harm the script I think)

Are you sure you're up to the task? Well, in any case, good luck.
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 10:24am

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Xcession

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To develop on what Tarn has just said...

Good films are the ones where basic rules of reality are adhered to, like the 5 human senses. The hundreds of film-making "rules" like the 30 degree rule, don't exist for fun - its because they help simulate how humans perceive the real world, thereby making the film seem more real.

There are far more than 5 senses though - Speech and Rhythm are two and as Tarn has pointed out, this script has issues with both.

Take the line "But I will still light the lighthouse any way".

If you were writing in a journal, wouldn't you plan the line before you wrote it? Why therefore, does he "light the lighthouse"? thats just clumsy. "Man the lighthouse" surely? Perhaps "Attend the lighthouse" ?

I get the impression that perhaps you're trying to write in a period style, but the resulting text (particularly the god-fearing references) seem more like Jane Austen, who lived over 100 years earlier.

11/10 for ambition certainly. I don't think anyone else on FXhome has ever suggested an idea like this one and it does seem really interesting. I think you really need to concentrate more on your writing style though, as to slip up in the first line of the film would be rather tragic.

Just a thought: perhaps get some help from your english teacher?
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 1:24pm

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Rockfilmers

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Thanks for the tips.
Do you have access to a helicopter cam which will be necessary to let a camera circle around a lighthouse, assuming you have a location for that?
I was going to do this compleatley in CGI. And You guys are right about the dialog. It sounds a little chessey. The only time the film is set in 1905 is the very begging. The rest is presant day. Once again Thank you for the tips. Now I need to go rewrite the diolog. smile
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 1:56pm

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Sollthar

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An entire CG lighthouse shot? Wow. Now I'm really intrigued. cool
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 3:08pm

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Mellifluous

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You need to think more carefully about your writing, including grammar and spelling. Seems a cool idea but I doubt your ability to pull it off; hopefully you will prove me wrong.

Your writing style is very messed up. You think that by switching a few words round, it sounds old fashioned. Not true. I've made some alterations to reflect the possible style you need to incorporate. Try not to capitalise words that are not names, and try not to write like a list, saying then and then and then. Write in the present, say "put his hand on the door", not "puts".


The camera circles a lighthouse on a large island.

V/O: Third of September, nineteen hundred and five. It (? what do you mean by it? what is "it"?) has been five months at this lighthouse.

Inside the lighthouse is a man righting (writing) in a journal on a couch (on a couch? traditonally, journals look better written on a wooden desk)

Voice: “My relief was supposed to come a week ago, but it hasn’t still (but hasn't/but has not come/but has not arrived) But I will still light the lighthouse any way (but I will continue to fuel the flame, although the monotony of this task is beginning to get to me. But lighting the flame has larger fears for me.). In the five months I have been here, I have seen strange things. Bugs off in the distance that are bigger than a man. They only come when the lighthouse is on. I wonder why God would create such things, but God's plans for his creatures are far beyond our conception. Sometimes I…”

There is a loud bang on the door. Then another. The man gets up and walks cautiously to the door. He reaches for the doorknob, then hesitates. He stands there with his hand an inch from the door.

Man: Softly “Hello?”

No answer

Man: Louder. “Hello?”

Still no answer. He put his hand on the doorknob and opens quickly with his eyes closed. Nothing. He opens his eyes slowly and sighs of relief. The glass shatters with a loud bang and the screen goes to a wide shot of the lighthouse from which a scream emanates.
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 6:56pm

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mercianfilm

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I actually realy like teh idea and as many people have said the script to an extent (Although it does need a bit of tweaking!) When are you planning on filming this?
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 7:34pm

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Rockfilmers

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I plan to shoot this in the fall some time. Hopefully it will be compleatly done by around this time 2008
Posted: Fri, 15th Jun 2007, 7:46pm

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Nutbar

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I think the idea sounds very good, I think people are being a little harsh concerning the script as I am guessing it is just a first draft and and would probably be revised many times before filming. However there are a few things that need to be changed as people have said, one thing I really don't like is the name, I might be being a bit picky here but it gives me a mental picture of big bad beetle borgs (a power rangers type program from like 15 years ago or something).

Anyway, I think it may well be a little ambitious for a second project, however if people didn't try things that seemed ambitious would film have progressed as far as it has? Good luck with it.
Posted: Sat, 16th Jun 2007, 2:35am

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Rockfilmers

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The only time the film is set in 1905 is the very begging.
I suck at spelling...
Posted: Sat, 16th Jun 2007, 4:04am

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Atom

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Sounds like Desmond in a lighthouse instead of a hatch with bugs instead of black smoke in 1905 instead of 2004.


LoOOOOOOOOOOOoooSSSSSSsssssTtTTTTTttt!
Posted: Sun, 17th Jun 2007, 8:38pm

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Rockfilmers

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Sounds like Desmond in a lighthouse instead of a hatch with bugs instead of black smoke in 1905 instead of 2004.

LoOOOOOOOOOOOoooSSSSSSsssssTtTTTTTttt!
How many insteads can you fit in a scentence? And what's Desmond?
Posted: Sun, 17th Jun 2007, 9:54pm

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SilverDragon7

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I'm interested in how you do this, if you need help with 3D areas let me know and I'll help.
Posted: Sun, 17th Jun 2007, 10:18pm

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Quvoo

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I'm also very intrested in CGI light house. What programm are you gonna use to do that?
Posted: Mon, 18th Jun 2007, 1:47am

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Atom

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Rockfilmers wrote:

How many insteads can you fit in a scentence? And what's Desmond?
Who many ways can you spell "sentence"? And who is the greatest hero from Lost ever?
Posted: Mon, 18th Jun 2007, 8:32am

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Sollthar

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And who is the greatest hero from Lost ever?
What has John Locke to do with this?
Posted: Mon, 18th Jun 2007, 12:43pm

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Rockfilmers

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How many insteads can you fit in a scentence? And what's Desmond?


Who many ways can you spell "sentence"? And who is the greatest hero from Lost ever?
Just once wink
Posted: Tue, 19th Jun 2007, 3:39pm

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Nutbar

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Atom wrote:

Rockfilmers wrote:

How many insteads can you fit in a scentence? And what's Desmond?
Who many ways can you spell "sentence"? And who is the greatest hero from Lost ever?
How many times can you criticise someone elses spelling and make errors yourself?
Posted: Tue, 19th Jun 2007, 8:58pm

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SilverDragon7

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Atom makes less errors than even me.