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Help with script!

Posted: Tue, 26th Aug 2008, 9:25pm

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RyanMichael

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Hello, I have been writing a move script for a while and I am stuck. I don't have any idea what should happen next. I need you guys to help me. Here is a pdf of the file so far. Please help me.
http://rapidshare.com/files/140362992/Thief_demo.pdf.html
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 1:03am

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RyanMichael

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Anyone? Please.....
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 1:22am

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RodyPolis

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I'll look over it tomorrow
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 1:24am

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Limey

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how bout the kids follow the thief into an abandoned warehouse...
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 2:08am

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EvilDonut

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Wrong approach.

Don't write the script. That's the last thing you do.

You write the hook first/logline.

Then you write the 3-line synopsis.

Then you write a breakdown of the movie.

Then you write a treatment.

Then you write the scenes.

Then you write the beats that make up the scenes.

THEN you gather up everything - and write the screenplay with dialogue, etc. etc.

You'll find 1) You have a much more polished story 2) It becomes 100x easier.

d
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 2:15am

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RyanMichael

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Im not steven spielberg. I don't have time to spend 4 weeks planning the movie. I am a 12 who like to make movies. I don't want anything to elaborite. Please help still.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 2:21am

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EvilDonut

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RyanMichael wrote:

Im not steven spielberg. I don't have time to spend 4 weeks planning the movie. I am a 12 who like to make movies. I don't want anything to elaborite. Please help still.
Doesn't matter on the length. Just learn steps like these and then follow them in your head at least. Here, let me just make some stuff up here to prove this:

Man takes on aliens.

A soldier is lost on a planet from his squad. There he encounters a race of aliens plotting to take over the galaxy. He uses the locals to battle the aliens, thwart their plans, and get his squad to come rescue him and destroy the aliens.

1. Soldier and Squad battle in space.
2. Ship damaged. Ship crashes into unknown planet.
3. Soldier is okay, but all alone. He ventues out.
4. He encounters locals who are hesitant, but then take him in.
5. They are attacked by evil aliens. He discovers they are trying to rule the planet.
6. He plans with the locals to battle the aliens.
7. He fights aliens with the newly trained locals.
8. He gets inside compound and able to communicate with his squad.
9. Squad comes and battles aliens and blows themn to smithereens.
10. He is rescued, and locals happy for him to save his planet.

Provide more detail for each scene (beats).

Create characters and script.

How easy was that. That was 2 MINUTES OF WORK and i'm eating a hamburger!! smile

d

Last edited Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 3:05am; edited 1 times in total.

Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 2:34am

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D3L3T10N

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I would totally revise this if I were you. The first thing you need to do as a script writer is learn to write dialog naturally. Right now, the dialog seems very unnatural and i does not sound real at all. When you have conversations, or when you hear other people have conversations, really pay attention to how people respond to specific things, and really get a sense for what regular conversations sound like. Now for specific advice:

So they're meeting on a bench somewhere to sit next to each other while on of them plays on their PSP? That doesn't seem that realistic. Maybe they should meet at a cafe, or a place more suited to just casual gathering. Also, about the dialog. I don't know what you want the emotions of the characters to be like, but it sounds like from Talent 2's first line, that he is angry or frustrated that Talent 1 is late. When writing, you really have to get in touch with the emotions of your characters so that you can let that emotion shine through realistically in their dialog. Anyway, if anger is actually the emotion you are going for, I would suggest skipping the "Good" and going straight to the scolding. Also, is seems to me that, "where have you been for the past hour?" is a little unnatural. I would rearrange it to something like, "Hey man, where've you been? You were supposed to be here like an hour ago!" And then they reconcile instantly, which is also unrealistic. You could have Talent 1 say something like, "I'm sorry, my mom told me I couldn't leave until I cleaned my room." This is a reasonably excuse and diverts fault from the kid to the mom, and this gives reason for Talent 2 to be okay with him being late. If you still want Talent 1 to say "Sorry, I totally forgot to come", then I would suggest making the exchange a little more protracted, and maybe have Talent 2 say something argumentative or angry like "You just forgot? What's wrong with you, man?" Just something like that to give the conversation a more natural and realistic flow and feel.

Now on to scene 3. Scene two does seem to be missing, so of course there could be some vital information in there that I am missing, but as of now, it seems like the thief is taking the PSP right out of the guy's hand. You should have the thief take a bag or something that the PSP is in. This would serve two purposes: I would make the theft more dramatic and realistic, instead of comical like it is now. It would also give the audience a kind of mystery. What exactly was in that bag that the thief is after? Is he after the PSP specifically, or something else in the bad? Or is it just a random crime? Also, I don't know about you, but if someone stole my friends bag, I wouldn't just casually tell them, I would get up, yell, and start chasing. Maybe have Talent 1 say something like, "Hey! What are you doing!?" and then somewhere in there have him get up and start chasing the thief. Then just let Talent 2 be passive, and only get up and chase when he turns around to follow Talent 1, and sees the full situation and fully comprehends what is going on. Anyway, just think about natural flow of action and conversation and that kind of thing. I know that when I wrote my first script, it took having people act it out at the first read through before I realized how bad it was. It really helps to act it out and to have friends do all the actions etc. This really gives you a feel for how it will be when you shoot it, and it really helps expose weaknesses and the like. Anyway, I hope this helps, and good luck with it!

EDIT: Wow like 30 people posted while I was writing that novel...
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 2:50am

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RyanMichael

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I just need you guys to suggest what happens next. I don't want a long movie.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 3:02am

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Quvoo

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Having a good script, being prepared, and learning how to write things creatively/correctly/good has nothing to do with the length of a movie.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 3:02am

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Biblmac

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What I would do is have talent one and talent two run after theif. They follow him into an alley/forest and then lose him. The two talents then slowly walk back to their houses and talk about it.


I am just curious, why didn't you have a plan from the beginning?
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 3:05am

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EvilDonut

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Henry701 wrote:

Having a good script, being prepared, and learning how to write things creatively/correctly/good has nothing to do with the length of a movie.
Ditto what he said. smile

Many short films win awards and contracts solely based upon UNIQUE STORY AND CONTENT.

Those steps are just a guide. You can create your own, as long as you focus on BUILDING the story.

d
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 3:09am

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Thrawn

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Well, this is gonna get you around 30 seconds (or less) of video, so I don't think your looking at a very long movie..

Honestly, take the advice of D3L3T10N and rewrite what you have so far... The script is very unnatural and doesn't flow at all. Also, EvilDonut had good advice about how to write your script. You don't always have to write it like this, but it's a good way to start.

As far as what happens next, is it really that hard to decide? I mean, come on, a million things could happen... Chuck Norris could jump in and kill the thief if you wanted. Just don't make it too long and complicated.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 3:11am

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RyanMichael

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I modified it a little. And in the bag there will be more stuff besides the psp to make it look more normal.

scene 2 (the meeting)

(Camera views talent 2 while talent 1 comes and sits down next to talent 2. Talent 2 has bag next to him)

TALENT 1

Hey (talent 2's name)

TALENT 2

Where ya been?

TALENT 1

My mom wouldn't let me come till I cleaned my room.

TALENT 2

k.

TALENT 1

Did you bring your psp?

TALENT 2

Yep, its in my bag.

TALENT 1

Good, now we can play 2 player.

(hooded guy (thief) sees psp hanging out of bag)


scene 3 (the steal)

(view shows tree and talents 1 and 2 while leaning on the tree the thief quietly watches them while talents 1 and 2 talk about random stuff quietly. next shot shows some of the path. Thief sneakily takes bag while both talents are talking. Talent 1 gets up starts chasing the thief)

TALENT 2

Where are you going?

TALENT 1

(shouting)that guy just took your bag!


Thief sprints away. Talents 1 and 2 start chasing. While still running thief pulls out fake gun and shoots back a few times. Extras (other friends) duck and run away after shots.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 4:21am

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Bryce007

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That's not even a "Movie". It's sort of like a boring skit. Perhaps that's what you're looking for though, so go shoot it and you'll benefit from Trial and error...
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 8:23am

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Xim

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You said you wanted to know what to do next. That is not a question you should ask, in my opinion.

Instead of going forward, go back and edit the draft. You can go stream-of-consiousness if necessary or if it's preferred, but I say go back and write a treatment.

Your layout is wrong, but that's alright, you're just beginning. You need to fix up on sluglines (scene headings) and mainly dialogue.

Right now, your "on the nose" dialogue seems robotic in nature. You need to make it flow as though they talk casually and normally. They should have quirks and accents and different, unique voices.

PS: Unless you plan on shooting your project, take out all shots and camera directions. Shots and camera directions are saved for a shooting script. If you don't plan on shooting it, it is what is called a spec script (spec=speculative)
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 8:58am

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EvilDonut

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Bryce007 wrote:

That's not even a "Movie". It's sort of like a boring skit. Perhaps that's what you're looking for though, so go shoot it and you'll benefit from Trial and error...
In the next scene: They get tired, and go to the mall and eat ice cream.

d
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 10:19am

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Simon K Jones

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Good advice here, although it's also worth noting that every writer has their own style and approach. Some like to plan things intricately before getting started on the actual script, while others like to leap straight in and see where the story and character take them.

There's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to write, you just have to find what works for you personally.

However, as you've hit a point where you've got stuck with the story and don't know where to take it next, in this case EvilDonut's suggestions would seem like a good idea. ie, work out the basic plot in total before starting to write - that way you won't waste time writing loads of script before getting to a certain point and realising it doesn't work.

Also, this tutorial might be of use in the future:

http://fxhome.com/support/tutorials/view/21/Writing+a+script
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 10:50am

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ashman

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Writing a script is indeed a tricky one to approach, and as Tarn pointed out, there is NO correct way to do this. There are only techniques and these should be followed. Evil Donut actually gave some good pointers here, I really hope this continues in other threads, it's something I'd like to see.

Anyhow, back to helping with the script issue. Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio have an excellent and FREE website with good industry advice on writing. They're the guys who wrote countless Hollywood Blockbusters after all, not all to my tastes, but they sell and the script work is very sound.

Check it out here: www.wordplayer.com

It's soul destroying to read but worthwhile. If you want to be a filmmaker prepare for years of rejection, hardwork followed by a double helping of pain. As king Schwar once told me, 'It's all good'. And indeed it is.

Ash
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 11:05am

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RyanMichael

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Just to let you know I was thinking of all of it before I typed it. It is the first time I have ever used a script for a movie so it wont be that easy for me. Im so used to making script-less 30 sec long stupid comedy attempts. I bet some of you missed the fact that I am not done for the reason you say its gonna be a 30 second long film.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 6:43pm

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StumpMovieMan

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Movies are more individual then fingerprints. (excuse my cruddy analogy), but its true. There's no wrong way, or right way to write or shoot a movie. Personally I think the advice offered by EvilDonut was a good one. Doing some type of planning before you get down to details, will help you present and guide your story in a much more clear manner. You'd never start a trip without knowing where you want to end up, would you?

This is why some people plan the story and then begin with the ending, or tell stories that don't flow from beginning to end. AKA: memento. What you basically need to remember is that, essentially, what your doing is telling a story. Thats what filmmaking is. Damn good story telling. So do what it takes for YOU to tell a good story. Whatever that means.

However all that being said, it sounds like your just really anxious to do something. In that case, dont worry so much about your script, just get out and shoot it. Learn through doing.
Posted: Wed, 27th Aug 2008, 8:17pm

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RyanMichael

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Here is the final script. I came up with an ending. Tell me if you like.
http://rapidshare.com/files/140616508/Thieffinal.pdf.html
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 2:12am

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Xim

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I think it's not your final. It's rough and it's not a screenplay, not even a short. The description is odd and parenthetical (which makes no sense). The dialogue is a big improvement, but it comes from unidentified persons.

You imply that it's a shooting script by your camera directions, but it feels clustered and potential, not kinetic.

SCREENPLAYS, LONG OR SHORT, ARE KINETIC.

To fix the clustering in the script, you can simply do some vertical writing.

PS: The premise isn't too bad. Good work. biggrin
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 2:28am

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RyanMichael

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I dont really need a fancy smanshy script. Just something to tell me what ive been planning when filming.
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 4:43am

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Xim

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To each his own, I guess...

Good luck with your project.
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 9:14am

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EvilDonut

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RyanMichael wrote:

I dont really need a fancy smanshy script. Just something to tell me what ive been planning when filming.
I know you're 12, but you're missing the point.

Create something INTERESTING first THEN write the dialogue, etc.

A scene of two guys going to the mall and eating ice cream is SIMPLE. But it's also retarded and dumb and boring.

You're young and have lots to learn - don't jump too far ahead and start making conclusions. That's a bad habit.

Listen and learn from everyone. Your generation has the advantage of the internet - previous generations did not. Use it to your advantage.

d
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 8:36pm

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Fill

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EvilDonut wrote:

A scene of two guys going to the mall and eating ice cream is SIMPLE. But it's also retarded and dumb and boring.
No, it actually isn't. I could form an entire little plot out of that.

Oh, on a side note: You might want to have some extra cash in case you do multiple takes. Ice cream does this terrible thing called melting that can cause all sorts of problems. smile

Now to your script: It's really short and obviously incomplete. If I could give you any advice, I'd tell you to not use a gun. It was actually an alright (rough) script until the thief pulls out of a gun. There are a couple of reasons: 1. It's a cliche 2. If I had a concealed firearm, I wouldn't be stealing PSPs, I'd be robbing banks. That concept is a bit inconsistent. Keep that in mind.
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 8:59pm

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RyanMichael

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K, thanks. Ill remove the gun part.
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 9:39pm

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Limey

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RyanMichael wrote:

I dont really need a fancy smanshy script. Just something to tell me what ive been planning when filming.
why the hell would someone rate him down?
Posted: Thu, 28th Aug 2008, 9:52pm

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Singwolf

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Well i doubt a thief would pull a gun on a couple kids over a psp, but i can work with this.

you need some form of a chase scene going over fences and on top of sheds and stuff, work with your environment.

well ok, now you just end up in some form of a wooded area, preferably a big creepy spot. Then the thief is out of sight as the kids turn a bend. They look around for him. Nothing. As they go further and deeper into the woods they come across a light/fire. When they get closer, hiding behind a bush, they can see multiple (depending on how many people you have) dark clocked figures in a circle. (now you;ve gone to some dumb robbery to some creepy cult horror movie. You've got your theif dead among your cloaked guys. One kid notices the thief dropped his weapon. He picks it up fearing for his life as lights and energy comes out from the cultists hands and forms over the body. Bodys gone. Then have like a close shot of one of the cloaked guys and have him look back at the two kids as fast as he can but then do some editing to make it super natural. If you can see the face from under the hood, mess with the eye colors, if not leave it you dont want him to look like a jawa. The rest of the men slowly turn to the kids. Your kid without the gun does a step back in disbelieve or fear and the other fraticaly shoots. One of the men gets hit, and the others turn to him as he falls to the ground followed by disapearing in black smoke. The turn back and rush the kids as they start to run for their lives. During running one of the men come out from behind a tree, and some other creepy stuff like that. I wouldnt draw that out too long though. Eventual the guy appears behind the kid with the gun, does some mumbo jumbo crap and the kid dies, droping the gun. The gun falls letting off its last round and the sound of the shot echoes it the forest as the camera looks up through the trees into the sky. The guys are all of a sudden gone and the kid mourns over his dead friend. He then looks to his side and on the ground near a tree is the psp and it fades to black. Kinda a sick twisted ending.

Well then that was interesting to write. Deffinatly not well though out but i tried not to get that carried away, if i did thered be dragons and like helicopter battles. biggrin

I plan on writing my own story about a real abspestos dump next to a broken down factory with broken windows near my house. The dump and factory are real but ill throw in some zombies and stuff. Well i see ive wasted enough of your time. :]


Singwolf