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My Big Movie Script.

Posted: Tue, 19th May 2009, 11:39pm

Post 1 of 31

sir alex

Force: 400 | Joined: 10th Jul 2008 | Posts: 173

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This is my movie scipt that I have been working on for some time.
I would like suggestions and oppinoins on it. Give yourself some time to read it because it was over 18 pages on microsoft word. It's not very detailed just to let you know.







Scene description: Oscar is flying through space in his space ship.

Oscar is flying through space and runs into Johnny.

Oscar quickly presses a button on his control panel.

Johnny appears in the seat next to Oscar lifelessly.

Oscar: oh my.
Oscar has a horrified look on his face.

Oscar listens to Johnny’s heart.

Oscar (scared): oh no.

Oscar grabs a tube and puts it in Johnny’s mouth.

Johnny (awakingly): ahh.

Johnny looks around surprised.

Johnny (surprised): where am I?!

Oscar: you’re in my space ship.

Johnny looks at Oscar.

Johnny: who are you?

Oscar (proudly): I’m Oscar, the Oscar, the famous Oscar th…

Johnny (surprised): You’re the Oscar?

Oscar (proudly): Yes.

Johnny: I don’t think I’ve ever herd of you.

Oscar looks confused and insulted.

Oscar: who are you?

Johnny: I’m Johnny.

Oscar: What were you doing out there.

Johnny thinks for a second.

Johnny nodes his head side-to-side
Johnny (having a hard time remembering): I don’t know.

Oscar: I’m sure if you come to my house and have glass of brandy you’ll remember in no time.

Johnny (as if he was not listening): Oh yes, certainly.

Outside view: Oscar’s space ship flies towards Gariton until it is out of site.

Outside view: Oscar’s space ship lands on the ground.

Oscar and Johnny get out and walk inside.

Oscar hands Johnny a glass of brandy.
Johnny: Fine house you’ve got here.

Oscar: It’s quite old.

Johnny: I know!

Oscar (surprised): You do?

Johnny (just remembering): I was in an imperial star ship. They ejected me into space and then I ended up in your space ship.

Oscar: Do you remember why they did it.

Johnny: No.

There’s a knock at the door.

Oscar: Let me get that.

Oscar goes to the door and opens it and sees an imperial guy.
Oscar slams the door and locks it. He runs back to where Johnny is sitting.

Oscar: I think we have an uninvited guest.

Johnny (as if he where not listening): What?

Oscar: It’s an imperial trooper.

Johnny: oh.

Johnny looks at Oscar alarmed.

Johnny: What! Don you have a weapon?!

Oscar: Yes, I have a light saber.

Johnny: Well where is it?

Oscar: It’s over next to the door lying on the ground.

They hear the door brake down.

The imperial guy steps on the light saber and it turns on.

The imperial guy points his gun at the light saber and walks a few steps back.

The imperial guy shoots the light saber and the light saber reflects the bullet witch shoots back and hits the imperial guy.

Johnny and Oscar run to the door. There they see the imperial guy on the ground.

Oscar looks at Johnny.

Oscar (amused): That was dumb on his behalf.

Johnny (amused): ha.

Oscar: What do you think he wanted?

Johnny: I don’t know. Wait I do! The imperial guys shot me into space because I wouldn’t give something they wanted.

Johnny snaps twice.

Johnny: What was it?

Oscar: Do you still have it?

Johnny: oh yah.

Johnny pulls a piece of paper-like substance out of his pocket.

Johnny gives Oscar the piece of paper-like substance.

Oscar: These are plans for some sort of weapon that creates the chemical formula -A7339.

Oscar: That’s the opposite of Gariton’s formula A7339, and that mean….

Johnny: Wait, what’s Gariton.

Oscar: this planet.

Johnny: Okay.
Johnny nodes his head.

Oscar: And as I was saying, if they have the chemical formula -A7339.

Oscar looks at Johnny horrified.

Oscar: they can create a nuclear reaction with Gariton.

Oscar: Johnny, I think you’ve just saved this planet.

Johnny: so that all comes down to the fact that there’s something on Gariton that the empire doesn’t like.

Oscar: yes, but what?

Johnny: Why would they shoot me out into space if they want something I have?

Oscar: There’s a reason why the empire nearly got wiped out.

Johnny: Is there anything special on Gariton.

Oscar: Well, there’s a pretty good museum in Hetty’s Burg.

Johnny: What kind of museum is it?

Oscar: Natural history.

Johnny: I shouldn’t think the empire is against natural history.

Oscar: The princess lives on Gariton.
Johnny: oh, does she?

Oscar: I think we should pay the princes a visit.

Scene description>outside view: Oscar’s car drives past the camera.

They arrive at the princess’s palace and walk in.

Oscar: princess! Are you home?! It’s me Oscar!

No response.

Johnny: You know her?

Oscar: Yes. I know the princes pretty well

Oscar: princess!

Johnny: Maybe see’s out.

Oscar looks at his watch.
Oscar: As a matter of fact I am suppose to be here in 15 minutes, and she’s always very organized.

Johnny looks at a burnt trail on the floor.

Oscar looks at the trail.

Oscar: It’s a radiation trail. It looks like one left by a stun gun.

Oscar: I think the princess has been kidnapped.

Johnny: But by who?

Oscar (smart Alec): Who do you think?

Johnny: The Empire!

Oscar: duh.

Johnny: What should we do?

Oscar (rudely): We?

Oscar: I suggest that I should go and get her.

Johnny: I could come with you.

Johnny: I know where the imperial ships are.

Oscar: Okay. I suppose you can come.

Scene description: Oscar and Johnny are flying through space in Oscar’s space ship.

Johnny: The imperial ships are over at 283 degrees south and 37 degrees north.

Computer: Destination recorded.

Johnny: How do you know which space ship to look in.

Oscar (aggravated): We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

Computer: Do not worry; he’s usually in this mood.

Johnny (super aggravated): ahhh

Johnny presses a button on his control panel.

It ketches on fire.

Oscar (aggravated): Oh Baloney!

Johnny: What happened?!

Oscar grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire.

Johnny: wow that was close.

Oscar: I think our troubles are just beginning.

Johnny: huh?

Oscar: We’re stationary.

Johnny (worried): Oh no.

Outside view: Oscar’s space ship is floating around in space.

Johnny (worried): What do we do?

Oscar: We’ll have to fly to the nearest planet or another landable place with the jet packs.

Johnny: That sounds dangerous.

Oscar: You can’t live your life in a science fiction environment if you’re not willing to take any risk.

Scene description: Oscar and Johnny are flying through space with there jet packs.

Johnny: I think one of our star ships are close to here.

Oscar: Johnny, Where going backwards.

Johnny surprised: How!?

Oscar: A tractor beam. And a better question, why?

Johnny: It’s probably an imperial ship.

Johnny looks behind himself.

Johnny: is it just me or is it getting hotter and there’s a star in our general direction

Oscar looks behind himself.

Oscar: It’s no tractor beam pulling us, we’re in the gravitational pull of a star!

Oscar: I guess gradually burning up isn’t the worst for of death.

Johnny: We’re not going to die, look.

Oscar and Johnny look and see Oscar’s space ship floating towards the star.

Oscar (excited): We can hook the jet packs up to the battery and we might be able to get enough power to pull away from the star!

Johnny and Oscar (struggling) fly towards Oscar’s space ship.

Oscar hooks up a cable from the jet packs to the battery.

Oscar and Johnny wait a few seconds.

Oscar: That should do the trick. Hopefully.

Oscar unhooks the cables.

Oscar and Johnny (struggling) fly away from the star.

Scene description: Oscar and Johnny are flying through space.

Johnny stops going and Oscar and the camera keep going.

Oscar stops and turns around.

Oscar flies to where Johnny is.

Johnny: My jetpacks stopped working.

Oscar: Apparently.

Three imperial ships appear.

Johnny: This is rather convenient.

Oscar nodes his head side to side.
Oscar: I really don’t see how it could get any worse.

Johnny: Don’t you see. These are the imperial command ships.

Oscar: ohh, that’s real reassuring.

Johnny: The princess is probably in one of these ships.

Oscar: Oh, I see. But we’re still in quite a tight spot. Lets just hope that they decide to bring us aboard instead of killing us now.

Johnny looks at Oscar.
Johnny: You’re not a very positive person.

The command ship’s gun begins to fire and explodes.

Johnny (surprised): What happened?!

Oscar: The gun malfunctioned.

Oscar and Johnny appear in one of the command ships.

Johnny: Maybe we get into a lot of bad situations, but I must admit, we to have some good luck.

An imperial fighter walks up to Oscar and Johnny.

Oscar: We’re still not in the easiest situation.

Imperial fighter (seriously): Come on.

The imperial fighter is taking Oscar and Johnny through a hall.

Oscar falls down on his knees.

Oscar (in pain): Ahhh

The imperial fighter looks at Oscar.

Johnny jumps on the imperial fighter and pulls him to the ground.

Oscar grabs and pulls the gun out of the imperial fighter’s hand.

Oscar changes the setting on the gun to stun and shoots the imperial fighter.

Oscar: Come on.

Oscar and Johnny run down the hall.

Scene description: Oscar and Johnny are in the computer room.

Johnny: What do we do now?

Oscar pulls an instrument out of his
Oscar: I can use this instrument to read the computer.

Johnny: So that will tell us where the princess is?

Oscar: If she’s in this ship.

Oscar: There’s no record of her in this ship. But it does say something about the commander giving an order to capture the princess and bring her to ship A.

Johnny: Does it say witch ship ship A is?

Oscar: No.

Oscar pulls the instrument out of the computer.

Johnny: Are the imperial guys real.

Oscar: What do you mean, of course there real.

Johnny: Well, they all look the same.

Oscar: That’s because they’re all cloned from one person, usually the science officer.

Johnny: Do they all look the same?

Oscar: No, the higher ranks aren’t clones.

Johnny: Well then, since they don’t wear uniforms they wouldn’t realize we’re not imperial so we could go to the transporter room and ask them to transport us to ship A.

Oscar looks at Johnny and smiles and gives out a little laugh.

Oscar: Good thinking.

Oscar realizes something.

Oscar: Where’s the transporter room?

Johnny points to the computer.

Johnny: The computer.

Oscar: Oh yes.

Scene description: There is a transporter room with the transporting officer in it.

Oscar and Johnny walk in and walk into the transporters.

Oscar: Beam us to ship A.

The transporting officer presses a few buttons and then pulls something down.

Scene description: The commander is on the bridge with another imperial guy.

There are a few beeps.

Imperial guy: The recently caught prisoners have escaped.

The commander (quietly): I told the distributor I needed uniforms.

The commander presses a button on his control panel.

The commander: Transporting officer.

Transporting officer: Yes?

The commander: have you transported anybody anywhere recently.

Transporting officer: yes sir, I beamed two people to ship A 2 minuets ago.

The commander: You fool, I didn’t give you notice of someone in need of transportation.

The commander presses the button again.

The commander: put all decks on all ships on alert. And put an image of them to.

Imperial guy presses a button.

Scene description: Oscar and Johnny are walking through a hall.

Oscar: So if we can get to the computers I should be able to find where the princess is.

Oscar and Johnny walk past an imperial guy and walk in a door.

The alert starts.

The imperial guy sees it and runs away.

Scene description: Oscar and Johnny are in the computer room.

Johnny: How do you know where the computer rooms are?

Oscar sticks his instrument into the computer
Oscar: every ship has it’s computers in the same place relative to the ship’s shape and size.

The door opens and the princess runs in.

The princess: Come on, let’s get out of here.

Scene description: Oscar, Johnny and the princess are walking through a hall at a fast pace.

Oscar: how did you know we where aboard?

The princess: I saw the alert.

Oscar: oh. Do you have a space ship?

The princess: Yes.

Oscar: What is it that the empire wants?

The princess: I don’t know

Oscar, Johnny and the princess are walking towards a corner.

An imperial guy walks from around the corner.

The princess draws her gun.

The princess: Come on.

5 rebel guys jump out from behind the corner and shoot the three imperial guys.

The princess shoots one of the rebel guys.

One of the rebel guys changes his gun to stun and shoots the princess.

Johnny takes the princess’s gun.

Johnny gets down to see the princess.
Johnny: Well done men.

Rebel guy: What’s wrong with the princess?

Johnny: She’s not the real princess. This is an android.

Oscar: What’s going on?

Johnny: This was all a plan to try and save the princess.

Oscar: What do you have to do with the whole thing?

Johnny: I am count Johnny.

Oscar (exited): Count Johnny. A pleasure to meet you.

Johnny: Just call me Johnny.

Oscar: I guess I should tell you who I am now.

Johnny: No I know, your Oscar rebel science officer.

Oscar: Well then. I guess there’s no need to tell you.

Oscar: Was it planed for me to run into you?

Johnny: No, I was trying to get the plans for the new weapon and I got ejected into space.

Johnny: come on. Let’s find the real princess.

Scene description: The computer room.

Oscar, Johnny and the four rebel guys walk in.

Johnny: We’ll need your computer reading instrument Oscar.

Oscar: Okay.

Scene description: Oscar, Johnny and the four rebel guys enter the computer room.

Johnny takes the instrument and puts it in the computer.

Johnny: Let’s see……..
Johnny: She’s been ejected into space.

Johnny: We’ll have to use sensors to locate her.

Oscar: Do you have a ship?

Johnny: Yes. We have a disguised ship waiting for us.

Scene Description: Oscar, Johnny and the four rebel guys are at the end of a hall that leads to the ship hanger.

Johnny: Come on.

Oscar, Johnny and the four rebel guys walk into the ship’s entrance.

The ship takes off.

Scene description: A rebel guy is driving the space ship.
Johnny: Start the sensor scan.

A rebel guy: Yes sir.

Oscar: Why does the empire want to destroy Gariton?

Johnny: The rebel base is on Gariton.

Oscar: I didn’t know that.

Rebel guy: Sir, we found the princess.

Johnny: Good, drive to her location and bring her aboard.

Oscar and Johnny walk out of the room.

Oscar and Johnny walk next to the transporter.

The princess appears lifelessly.

Johnny puts a device on her chest.

The princess wakes up.

Oscar: The princess awakes.

The princess: Oscar, Johnny, were am I?

Johnny: You’re in my ship.

The princess jumps up.
The princess (remembering worried): Is Gariton still in one piece?

Johnny: I have the plans for their weapon so as far as I know Gariton is still in one piece.

The princess: Won’t the empire be looking for us?

Johnny: No, they don’t know were we are.

Oscar is holding up the plans.
Oscar: Johnny, the plans have a chip on them.

Johnny: Then the empire will be looking for us.

Johnny: Come on, let’s go to the bridge.

Oscar, Johnny and the princess walk away from the transporter.

Oscar, Johnny and the princess walk onto the bridge.

A bullet hits Johnny’s space ship.

Johnny walks next to the control seat and the rebel guy sitting there moves and Johnny sits down.

Johnny turns the space ship around.

Johnny’s space ship and the imperial ship are flying towards each other.
The imperial ship is shooting at Johnny’s ship.

Johnny starts shooting at the imperial ship but never hits it.

The imperial ship shoots Johnny’s ship and flies past it.

A few bullets shoot past Johnny’s space ship.

Johnny pulls the throttle back.

The imperial ship flies past them.

Johnny pushes the throttle up again.

Johnny’s ship is catching up with the imperial ship.
Johnny presses the trigger on the joy stick.

A bullet shoots out and hits the imperial ship and the imperial ship explodes.

Johnny: Preparing for jump to light speed.

Johnny’s ship jumps to light speed.

The princess: Where are we going?

Johnny: I don’t know.

Oscar: Why don’t you just destroy the plans instead of running?

Johnny decelerates from light speed

Johnny: Hand them to me.

Oscar hands the plans to Johnny.

Johnny throws the plans in a hole on the control panel.

The plans shoot out in front of Johnny’s ship and Johnny shoots them.

The plans explode largely.

Johnny’s ship flies out of the scene.

Scene description: Oscar, Johnny, the princess and the four rebel people are on the ground of Johnny’s space ship.

Oscar wakes up and sits up.

Oscar: That was stooped.

Oscar gets up and walks to the control panel and presses a button.

A graph appears on the screen.

Chart reading: Engine power 1%
Weapon power 2%
Transporter power 4%
Sensor power 8%
Long distance magnification power 43%

Oscar: Our stupidity was anti-productive.

Oscar pushes a button and the screen changes back to the image of space.

Oscar presses a button.

The screen zooms in and Oscar sees the plans undamaged.

An imperial ship swoops past the plans and grabs them.

Oscar (worried): Oh no. Johnny!

Oscar walks over to Johnny and gives him a nudge.

Oscar: Wake up!

Johnny jumps up

Johnny: The plans must have self destructed.

Oscar: No, I saw the plans on the screen; an imperial ship slew past and grabbed them.

Johnny (surprised): What?!

Johnny: If we don’t get the plans before they make their weapon, the rebel base will be no more.

Johnny goes to the control panel and sits down.

Oscar: The engines are dysfunctional.

Johnny pulls an instrument out his pocket.

Oscar: Is that what I think it is?

Johnny: Yup, it’s the fixer 9000.

Johnny sticks the fixer 9000 in a hole on the control panel.

A few seconds later Johnny pulls the fixer 9000 out of the hole

Oscar: Where are we going?

Johnny: To imperial star ship A.

Oscar: Shouldn’t you summon some help.

Johnny: No, I have an idea.

Johnny presses a button on the control panel.

The ship jumps to light speed.

A few seconds later the ship decelerates from light speed.

Oscar: So what’s your plan?

Johnny: I estimate that the plans reflected my bullet at a force of seven times stronger, so if I shoot a missile at the ship with the plans, it should create an explosion equivalent to the area covered by the three imperial star ships.

Oscar: Good idea, but wont the plans withstand the explosion?

Johnny: Yes, we’ll have to put them in a heavy security safe, and by destroying the star ships they will lose their components and a large number of clones.

Oscar: Wasn’t the commander in there?

Johnny: What do you mean?

Oscar: Well, if the commander dies the empire will be over.

Johnny: That was only the commander of that ship. The superior imperial commander is never in a dangerous place such as a large star ship.

The princess walks up to Oscar and Johnny.

Johnny: Alright….

Johnny presses the trigger on the joy stick and a bullet shoots towards the three imperial star ships.

There is a humongous explosion destroying all three star ships.

Oscar: What does this mean?

The princess: It means that the empire is helpless for a wile. And you are now third in command.

Oscar (exited): Thank you.
Oscar smiles.

Last edited Thu, 21st May 2009, 12:06am; edited 2 times in total.

Posted: Tue, 19th May 2009, 11:53pm

Post 2 of 31

Arktic

Force: 9977 | Joined: 10th Nov 2003 | Posts: 2785

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Rating: +1

Oh good lord!

There's *no hope* whatsoever that anyone is going to be able to make head or tails of that. It's difficult enough to read a script, let alone one that's got no formatting whatsoever.

I suggest you format the script properly and host it online as a .pdf or similar, if you want people to be able to follow it.

Also, I can tell from just glancing that there's too much dialogue! You need to let the characters tell the story by what they do, not what they say.

I think you could do with read a few books about script writing - check your local library or Amazon.com

Cheers,
Arktic.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 12:05am

Post 3 of 31

sir alex

Force: 400 | Joined: 10th Jul 2008 | Posts: 173

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Rating: -2

Thank you.

Last edited Wed, 20th May 2009, 1:50am; edited 1 times in total.

Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 12:11am

Post 4 of 31

AwesomeFist

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Member

"guns suck" biggrin and don't you mean parry instead of hitting light sabers together
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 12:20am

Post 5 of 31

Biblmac

Force: 852 | Joined: 12th Jun 2007 | Posts: 1513

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sir alex wrote:

I find your response extrimely rude. I shall remeber to never listen to any of your posts with any respect. And by the way, I will be making the movie and there are sertain things that I will describe to the actors, I'm saying that it's not a very detailed script mad
Really? Wow I can't believe you just batted his "constructive" post down so quickly, when he was actually offering some help... I took one look at it and thought the same thing he said... so maybe he wasn't so wrong... Plus Arktic is one of the more helpful on this site. I just looked it up and I was astonished at how many +1's he has, 702!! And guess what no -1's (at least not shown... wow that is impressive... here is the link) So seriously reread that post... it wasn't meant as offensive I am sure... biggrin
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 12:22am

Post 6 of 31

sir alex

Force: 400 | Joined: 10th Jul 2008 | Posts: 173

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awesome fist productions wrote:

"guns suck" biggrin
Thank you for a positive comment.

awesome fist productions wrote:

and don't you mean parry instead of hitting light sabers together
I don't know but I gues your right.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 12:26am

Post 7 of 31

sir alex

Force: 400 | Joined: 10th Jul 2008 | Posts: 173

EffectsLab Pro User

Gold Member

Rating: -2

Biblmac wrote:

sir alex wrote:

I find your response extrimely rude. I shall remeber to never listen to any of your posts with any respect. And by the way, I will be making the movie and there are sertain things that I will describe to the actors, I'm saying that it's not a very detailed script mad
Really? Wow I can't believe you just batted his "constructive" post down so quickly, when he was actually offering some help... I took one look at it and thought the same thing he said... so maybe he wasn't so wrong... Plus Arktic is one of the more helpful on this site. I just looked it up and I was astonished at how many +1's he has, 702!! And guess what no -1's (at least not shown... wow that is impressive... here is the link) So seriously reread that post... it wasn't meant as offensive I am sure... biggrin
he placed it extrimly rudly. None of his posts were helpfull in my appinion. With all his critisisms he did not help much.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 12:51am

Post 8 of 31

sir alex

Force: 400 | Joined: 10th Jul 2008 | Posts: 173

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Let's go back to the oppinions and not talk about Arktic.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 1:06am

Post 9 of 31

Axeman

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Rating: +1

sir alex wrote:

I find your response extrimely rude. I shall remeber to never listen to any of your posts with any respect. And by the way, I will be making the movie and there are sertain things that I will describe to the actors, I'm saying that it's not a very detailed script mad
I've read through it several times now, and I can't find anything 'extremely rude' about Arktic's post. Blunt, yes. But every bit of advice he gave was spot-on, and none of it was given in an offensive or condescending manner. I'm not sure what sort of suggestions and opinions you were looking for when you asked, but since this community is focused on filmmaking, and how to improve your skills in that regard, you should be prepared to accept helpful criticism like Arktic's. As far as these forums go, Arktic is one of the most helpful, honest, and friendly people you will run into. I recommend listening to him.

Whether you are directing the movie or not, the script needs to contain more than just the dialogue in order to ensure that the story is being told visually, and not just through the conversation. It solidifies the visuals in your head, gives the actors something for reference as they prepare their parts, and allows for estimating the length of the finished film from the script. Also, formatting enables people to read it far more easily (I tried to read it, but gave up after a few pages worth. Then I thought I might just format it for you in CeltX, but gave up after a few pages worth), makes it easier to keep track of where you are, and shows respect for the people who you are asking to read it. This is all beside the fact that there is a standard for screenplay formatting, and any degree of professionalism requires that you follow it. CeltX is free, and handles the formatting for you. It doesn't make sense not to use it.

From the part that I read though, here are a few suggestions I had:

One of the basic rules of script writing is to keep the number of locations, people, and time periods to a minimum. The first scene in Oscar's house spans two days for no apparent reason. Make it one day, one scene.

There are lots and lots of parentheticals, and there shouldn't be. The emotion involved in the dialogue should be apparent from the context of the script, and should be the actor's choice. That is, after all, their job in the moviemaking process. The occasions where parentheticals are warranted are few and far between. Most of yours should be eliminated. The screenwriter's job isn't to tell the actors how to say their lines, but rather, to provide a clear description of the scene and define how it relates to the overall story, so the actors can make informed decisions about the emotions they will convey.


Judging from what I read of the script, I'm assuming this is a fairly amateur production, so I won't get into any criticism leaning toward the more technical or professional aspects of screenwriting. Eighteen pages probably too a fair bit of time and effort, and its great that you made it this far. Hopefully you have fun making the movie. How much better you want it to end up will affect how you take the advice and criticism that you get here on the forums. There are lots of people around here who really know their stuff, and can be a tremendous help of you accept the counsel they offer.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 1:25am

Post 10 of 31

Thrawn

Force: 1995 | Joined: 11th Aug 2006 | Posts: 1962

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Rating: +1

While it's good that you've completed a script.. the dialog is far to stiff and unnatural. It's almost as awkward as the dialog from the newer Star Wars triology. Try renting a 'Dummies' or 'Idiots' guide to screenwriting, and you'll be much better off. Actually, if you really want to improve, try filming a few pages of this. It doens't have to be in a ship, a car will work, just so that you get an idea of the dialog. Also, I found that the characters had no... characteristics. I mean, they were just like two brainwashed people exchanging unnatural dialog. Try being more consistent with characteristics. Like you start to see pride with Oscar as the beginning. Try to expand upon it later on.

I also don't understand your reaction to Artik's post, as it was extremely helpful, as is just about every post he makes. Oh, and saying that you won't listen to his post is only irritating to him, but your the real one with the disadvantage. -1 for the lack of respect and intellegence. unsure
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 1:30am

Post 11 of 31

sir alex

Force: 400 | Joined: 10th Jul 2008 | Posts: 173

EffectsLab Pro User

Gold Member

Arktic wrote:

Oh good lord!

There's *no hope* whatsoever that anyone is going to be able to make head or tails of that. It's difficult enough to read a script, let alone one that's got no formatting whatsoever.

I suggest you format the script properly and host it online as a .pdf or similar, if you want people to be able to follow it.

Also, I can tell from just glancing that there's too much dialogue! You need to let the characters tell the story by what they do, not what they say.

I think you could do with read a few books about script writing - check your local library or Amazon.com

Cheers,
Arktic.
I didn't like that he said "there's no hope whatsoever" and he could of suggested how to let the story be told by what they do and not just the fact that that's not what I did.



Axeman wrote:

I've read through it several times now, and I can't find anything 'extremely rude' about Arktic's post. Blunt, yes. But every bit of advice he gave was spot-on, and none of it was given in an offensive or condescending manner. I'm not sure what sort of suggestions and opinions you were looking for when you asked, but since this community is focused on filmmaking, and how to improve your skills in that regard, you should be prepared to accept helpful criticism like Arktic's. As far as these forums go, Arktic is one of the most helpful, honest, and friendly people you will run into. I recommend listening to him.

Whether you are directing the movie or not, the script needs to contain more than just the dialogue in order to ensure that the story is being told visually, and not just through the conversation. It solidifies the visuals in your head, gives the actors something for reference as they prepare their parts, and allows for estimating the length of the finished film from the script. Also, formatting enables people to read it far more easily (I tried to read it, but gave up after a few pages worth. Then I thought I might just format it for you in CeltX, but gave up after a few pages worth), makes it easier to keep track of where you are, and shows respect for the people who you are asking to read it. This is all beside the fact that there is a standard for screenplay formatting, and any degree of professionalism requires that you follow it. CeltX is free, and handles the formatting for you. It doesn't make sense not to use it.

From the part that I read though, here are a few suggestions I had:

One of the basic rules of script writing is to keep the number of locations, people, and time periods to a minimum. The first scene in Oscar's house spans two days for no apparent reason. Make it one day, one scene.

There are lots and lots of parentheticals, and there shouldn't be. The emotion involved in the dialogue should be apparent from the context of the script, and should be the actor's choice. That is, after all, their job in the moviemaking process. The occasions where parentheticals are warranted are few and far between. Most of yours should be eliminated. The screenwriter's job isn't to tell the actors how to say their lines, but rather, to provide a clear description of the scene and define how it relates to the overall story, so the actors can make informed decisions about the emotions they will convey.


Judging from what I read of the script, I'm assuming this is a fairly amateur production, so I won't get into any criticism leaning toward the more technical or professional aspects of screenwriting. Eighteen pages probably too a fair bit of time and effort, and its great that you made it this far. Hopefully you have fun making the movie. How much better you want it to end up will affect how you take the advice and criticism that you get here on the forums. There are lots of people around here who really know their stuff, and can be a tremendous help of you accept the counsel they offer.
But for your post, I found it very well written and very helpful as well.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 1:47am

Post 12 of 31

sir alex

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Thrawn wrote:

While it's good that you've completed a script.. the dialog is far to stiff and unnatural. It's almost as awkward as the dialog from the newer Star Wars triology. Try renting a 'Dummies' or 'Idiots' guide to screenwriting, and you'll be much better off. Actually, if you really want to improve, try filming a few pages of this. It doens't have to be in a ship, a car will work, just so that you get an idea of the dialog. Also, I found that the characters had no... characteristics. I mean, they were just like two brainwashed people exchanging unnatural dialog. Try being more consistent with characteristics. Like you start to see pride with Oscar as the beginning. Try to expand upon it later on.

I also don't understand your reaction to Artik's post, as it was extremely helpful, as is just about every post he makes. Oh, and saying that you won't listen to his post is only irritating to him, but your the real one with the disadvantage. -1 for the lack of respect and intellegence. unsure
The idea is that Johnny is sort of low man at the begining, but when Oscar discovers that Johnny is in a high position, Johnny becomes more like a leader and Oscar gets sort of pushed down.

Perhaps I over reacted with Arktic but I got extrimely agrivated.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 1:56am

Post 13 of 31

sir alex

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I took axeman's advice about making Oscars's house one day and edited my first post.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 2:51am

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Biblmac

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sir alex wrote:

I took axeman's advice about making Oscars's house one day and edited my first post.
Thank you... biggrin
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 4:43am

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Sollthar

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I agree with Arktic and will even be as blunt as to say: I won't bother reading this unless you will bother to properly format it.

There's a lot of tutorials on how to write a screenplay. There's certain rules to follow and certain guidelines to keep. Posting into one long forum post is making it really really hard to read.
I can't see scene numbers, there's no locations, I can't even quickly make out the difference between action and dialogue. This is unreadable.

And the second line already irritates me.

Oscar is flying through space and runs into Johnny.
What...?

You are asking people to spend their free time reading and commenting on your work. So it's you who want something. It's only fair that you show that you're willing to put time into it as well.


Rewrite your script in a proper format (Word, CeltX, FinalDraft, whatever), stick to the proper conventions and reupload it and I'm sure people will read it.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 6:19am

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Terminal Velocity

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Rating: +1

sir alex wrote:

Oscar is flying through space and runs into Johnny.
Runs into literally or metaphorically? Is Johnny's frozen corpse really floating out in space and then rammed by Oscar's anonymous spaceship? Or did he go past and then turn around and pick him up? And you might remember that Oscar had to come by within about a minute of Johnny being ejected, or else all he'd pick up would be a man-shaped block of ice.

Oscar wrote:

I'm Oscar, the Oscar, the famous Oscar the
Oscar the Grouch? No? Then who? Do the audience a favor and tell us who Oscar is. Maybe a hotshot pilot or a notorious drug runner?


Johnny wrote:

You're the Oscar?

Johnny two sentences later wrote:

I don't think I've ever heard of you.
unsure What? This makes no sense at all.

sir alex wrote:

Oscar's space ship flies towards Gariton until it is out of sight.
What's Gariton? Obscure SW planet?

sir alex wrote:

Oscar goes to the door and opens it and sees darth Charles.
Oscar slams the door and locks it. He runs back to where Johnny is sitting.
Who is Darth Charles, what does he look like, why is he here, why did he let Oscar shut the door in his face,and how does he know where the fugitive is?

Oscar wrote:

Yes, I have a light saber
Where'd he get it? Is he a survivor of Order 66?

sir alex wrote:

Darth Charles disappears.
Died from slipping on a lightsaber handle.

johnny wrote:

I don't know. Wait I do! The Imperial guys shot me into space because I wouldn't give them something they wanted.
So they didn't frisk him, didn't search him, just dropped him in a cell and asked fo the paper. There could have been a vibro-knife in his boot. As inept as stormtroopers sometimes look in SW, they are highly efficient and are not so dumb that they'll forget that.

Johnny wrote:

Why would they shoot me out into space if they want something I have?

Oscar wrote:

There's a reason why the Empire was nearly wiped out.
Former goes unanswered, latter is unspecified.

sir alex wrote:

Yes. I know the princes pretty well
How? Did they play together as kids? Did he get caught vandalizing her garden? Is he Public Enemy no. 1? You don't just "know" a princess.

sir alex wrote:

It ketches on fire.
Why does it catch on fire?

sir alex wrote:

Oscar and Johnny appear in one of the command ships.
Is this Star Trek?

Oh, and I just noticed. If they captured the princess (whichever princess that happens to be), why do they want to blow up the planet?

Oscar wrote:

Beam us to ship A.
When have people ever beamed in SW? Also, it shouldn't be that easy. Why would two out-of-uniform stormtrooper be giving orders like that?

princess wrote:

guns suck.

princess wrote:

Well I'm not. I am a noble; I am much too valuable to get hurt.
lol, these are some pretty funny lines.

Good plot twist, with the princess being an android. But where did she get a lightsaber and why did she hand it to Oscar, if she was bad, instead of shooting them in the back? And where did the Rebels come from?

[quote=Oscar]I am Oscar rebel science officer.[/quote]

Johnny wrote:

I am count Johnny.
And these two presumably high-ranking Rebels didn't know each other, at least by reputation? I find that suspicious.

Johnny wrote:

She's been ejected into space.
Why did they capture her in the first place instead of just shooting her at the palace, if they were just going to kill her?

sir alex wrote:

The plans shoot out in front of Johnny's ship and Johnny shoots them. The plans explode largely.
Paper doesn't explode, and why did it have to be so fancy? Couldn't they just rip the thing apart and eat it, or something?

Oscar wrote:

Our stupidity was anti-productive.
Funny.

sir alex wrote:

The screen zooms in and Oscar sees the plans undamaged.
What? They got blasted by laser cannons and are undamaged?

Johnny wrote:

I estimate that the plans reflected my bullet at a force of seven times stronger, so if I shoot a missile at the ship with the plans, it should create an explosion equivalent to the area covered by the three imperial star ships.
1: Paper doesn't reflect laser cannons.
2: Where did that guesstimate come from? Considering he thought the plans had been destroyed earlier.

First and foremost, formatting is key. I realize that Sollthar already said this, but I think it's worth repeating. Formatting is the key to a good script. You may think you understand it now, but when you dig out that script later (I assume you're still in pre-production stage) and you see a jumble of words with no formatting or punctuation whatsoever, you're going to stand there furious at yourself. Formatting saves the cumbersome task of deciphering your writing and paragraphs so that you can understand what the heck you wrote.

Secondly, the plot. It was good, there were some unorthodox twists in there, but overall it was weak. There were cliches, numerous things left unexplained, a lack of exciting action (I presume the exclamation point key is broken?) and an anticlimactic ending. There was little description of their surroundings; I gave up trying to figure out where the heck they were and how they got there, because it made no sense. Beaming all over the place was a convenient way to get out of otherwise sticky situations, making the plot yet shallower. There was a notable lack of momentum in the script, and a movie would be boring. I suggest that next time you write an outline, then the actual story, then take the script from there. The outline provides the bones and the story provides the meat. You can't base a movie around a script alone. Period.

Lastly, the effort. I think you put time and work into this script, and I commend you for that. Eighteen pages isn't exactly easy. Good job overall, I look forward to seeing this turned into a movie. After a bit of work, of course.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 6:29am

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Bryce007

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Sollthar wrote:

And the second line already irritates me.

Quotes like this are why I always enjoy a post by Marco. I actually laughed out loud about that.



Also, Celtx is probably your best bet, because it's free.


(And please learn to spell, Sir Alex. My eyes were watering trying to read anything you've written)
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 8:12am

Post 18 of 31

Simon K Jones

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I echo Arktic, Sollthar and Axeman's posts. I'm not going to try to read this until it is presented properly.

I highly, highly recommend you take a read of this tutorial:

http://fxhome.com/support/tutorials/view/21/Writing+a+script

It's an old one, but the information is still valid. Check it out, reformat your script, then get back to us.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 6:56pm

Post 19 of 31

sir alex

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Thank you for your suggestions and complementts.

MOD EDIT: There's really no need to quote a long post entirely to write one sentence beneath it
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 7:19pm

Post 20 of 31

Terminal Velocity

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MOD EDIT wrote:

There's really no need to quote a long post entirely to write one sentence beneath it.
He didn't. In a somewhat disjointed way, he was replying to my questions. But they were quoted as well by accident, so one would not have noticed off the bat.

While many of the questions I asked were explained later, they still stand as questions that must be answered to aid the plot. They are mostly things you can't say "you'll find out later" to, because it confuses the story. Consider it from the view of a person who didn't write the script. They have NO IDEA who Oscar is when he says he's acquainted with the princess.

Not paper? It was specifically called "paper" in the script, I believe. And either way, if they can't be blown to smithereens by a starship's salvo of laser blasts, then that's a bit of overkill considering no one's supposed to be trying to destroy it.

Okay, the stormtroopers are out of uniform, yet they're supposed to look the same because they're clones. But unless I'm missing something, Oscar and Johnny are NOT clones and therefore have no resemblance of each other, let alone Jango Fett. Which would tip them off instantly. And either way, you still need a bit of identification before just hopping a beam to another ship.

Speaking of beams, you said you didn't mix SW and ST. Well you did. Beams are ST, unless I'm badly mistaken. Not SW. So you DID mix it somewhat.

The Rebel base is on Gariton. Okay. That's a good reason to blow it up. But then why did they capture the princess, if they could have blown her up? There's no sense in capturing her, blowing up the planet, and then ejecting her into space, when you could have blown her up in the first place.

You made up the name Gariton. Therefore, nobody knows what it is. You could say "the planet of Gariton", which would work just fine. But nobody has an idea what Gariton is until they land on it.

Hope this is some help.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 7:35pm

Post 21 of 31

sir alex

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What happened to my post? And I meant to say that I did mix sw st.

script wrote:

Johnny: Do they all lookm the same?

Oscar: No the higher ranks are not clones.

Last edited Wed, 20th May 2009, 7:39pm; edited 2 times in total.

Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 7:37pm

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Sollthar

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My bad, apologies. You didn't format it properly ( no pun intended neutral ) and the bbcode was all wrong. It just looked like one big quote that clogged up the forums, hence I removed it. Wasn't able to see that you actually responded to the points.
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 8:07pm

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ben3308

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Marco von Moos:

Mod first, ask questions later.

biggrin
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 8:23pm

Post 24 of 31

Sollthar

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Heh, I can literally taste the happiness and personal fulfillment you must feel to finally get an occasion to write that. wink

Though on a serious note... What works for Daniel Craig, works for me too. twisted
Posted: Wed, 20th May 2009, 9:49pm

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Terminal Velocity

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sir alex wrote:

What happened to my post? And I meant to say that I did mix sw st.

script wrote:

Johnny: Do they all lookm the same?

Oscar: No the higher ranks are not clones.
That may be true, however they still need identification of some sort to get beamed.
Posted: Thu, 21st May 2009, 12:05am

Post 26 of 31

sir alex

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I changed the part with darth Charles and the part that richard III suggested that I remove.
Posted: Thu, 21st May 2009, 1:37am

Post 27 of 31

Terminal Velocity

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Good, that's better. Still some questions stand...

1) Why didn't they frisk Johnny?

2) How did the Imperials know where they were? This could be easily explained, say, by a tracking device they attached to him.
An idea might be that they detected Oscar's ship coming and tossed Johnny into space with a homing beacon to locate Oscar's hideout, thereby bagging two birds with one net. Also, it might increase the savvy of the otherwise stupid Imperials.

3) Why does Oscar have a lightsaber? This, too, could be explained by him being a Jedi Knight who went into hiding during Operation: Knightfall, and under the alias of Oscar, the science officer. The only glitch being that he could be detected in the Force by Vader.

4) By the way, questions might be raised about why one Imperial attacked our heroes. You might want to change that to an Inquisitor attack, thereby making the entire deal more sinister. You might also want to add a fight scene here to increase the momentum of the plot in general.
Posted: Thu, 21st May 2009, 2:28am

Post 28 of 31

sir alex

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Richard III wrote:

1) Why didn't they frisk Johnny?
What do you mean by frisk?

Richard III wrote:

2) How did the Imperials know where they were? This could be easily explained, say, by a tracking device they attached to him.
You find out later that the plans have a chip on them.

Richard III wrote:

An idea might be that they detected Oscar's ship coming and tossed Johnny into space with a homing beacon to locate Oscar's hideout, thereby bagging two birds with one net. Also, it might increase the savvy of the otherwise stupid Imperials.


That's not a bad idea but Oscar's supposed to be not very well known.


Richard III wrote:

3) Why does Oscar have a lightsaber? This, too, could be explained by him being a Jedi Knight who went into hiding during Operation: Knightfall, and under the alias of Oscar, the science officer. The only glitch being that he could be detected in the Force by Vader.
I don't think it's necessary to explain how Oscar got the light saber and Vader has nothing to do with it.


Richard III wrote:

4) By the way, questions might be raised about why one Imperial attacked our heroes. You might want to change that to an Inquisitor attack, thereby making the entire deal more sinister. You might also want to add a fight scene here to increase the momentum of the plot in general.
I think that's a very good idea because I was worrying it might not have enough action. I'll work on it when I can.
Posted: Thu, 21st May 2009, 2:40am

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Terminal Velocity

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1) Frisk meaning search him for the plans that were in his pocket.

sir alex wrote:

You find out later that the plans have a chip on them.
2) But then why does Johnny have them in the first place? That's what the Imperials wanted, why didn't they take it and blow his head off?

sir alex wrote:

that's not a bad idea but Oscar's not supposed to be very well known.
Oh. Okay. However, unless I'm mistaken somewhere, that is not a necessary element in the story, therefore it might be a useful addition thereby explaining why they spaced him instead of just shooting him, or better yet trying to interrogate him.

3)Okay, never mind Vader (though he IS important, very much so). But lightsabers are not toys to be fooled around with, nor are they widely used due to the fact that they are all but useless unless one has the Force's aid to wield it properly. So unless Oscar can use the Force, a lightsaber wouldn't be much help.
Posted: Thu, 21st May 2009, 2:58am

Post 30 of 31

sir alex

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Richard III wrote:

1) Frisk meaning search him for the plans that were in his pocket.
I know it doesn't make sense the thing with Johnny, so I will redo the starting of the movie.
Posted: Thu, 21st May 2009, 2:58am

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Terminal Velocity

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K. No pressure.